Fifty Shades Of Jane



Before we go any further, I’ll just warn you that sitting down to read this with a rich tea biscuit and a scalding hot cup of Tetley’s may mean a visit to the burns unit or at the very least, a big soggy beige mess of broken biscuit coagulating at the bottom of your mug. I’m a bit of a bugger for doing it, I must admit.  I have this little solo competition going on to see How Much Biscuit I Can Get Into My Mug, Before It Collapses Into My Tea In a Soggy Beige Mess.  The answer is about three quarters.

Anyway – onto Sex. (I can hear the plopping of biscuits in tea as I type) I’m quite partial to sex every so often. In fact, if the bitter truth be known, I actually prefer sex to rich tea biscuits and cups of tea. To be honest, I’m pretty fussy about how I take my tea. First of all, it’s actually got to LOOK like tea.  I can’t stand this wishy – washy liquid with a pallor of a dead body that some people give you.  It’s like they’ve dipped the tea bag in hot water once and whisked it out, given it a pat with a tea towel and are going to use it periodically throughout the day, thus endangering the lives of tea pickers everywhere as profits take a dive because they’re too tight arsed.  So yes, give me a cup of tea the colour of my mahogany sideboard, and I want to be able to taste the soil the leaves were grown in. It’s probably why I like peaty whisky as well.  Maybe I should just go outside and get a cup of soil.

I was drinking a similar coloured cup of tea the other day, whilst reading these Fifty Shades books. Yes. I’m afraid the old love life has taken on a bit of a dry spell. Every so often, I’ll chuck another ball of tumbleweed out of the bedroom, and blow the dust off the Karma Sutra Instruction DVD in favour of drinking tea and reading E.L. James books.

I’m not sure E.L. James did a whole lot for eroticism in her novels, more likely the sales of various items that are only on sale in B & Q may have improved substantially because I’m afraid the antics of Mr Grey and Anastasia did little to encourage me to find an alternative use for duct tape.  Actually, that might be a bit of a lie. You know, research and all that. Mind that tea, you’ll get a nasty burn if you spill it THERE!

I mean, let’s face it, gents. How many of you know a woman that’s even half inclined to trot out of the bedroom, just as he – who – must – be – obeyed (in your dreams, fellas!) gets home from the office / bookie/ building site / prison* (*delete as appropriate), wearing nothing but a smile and a dab of Chanel Number 5 behind her ears as she shoves a couple of rolls of duct tape and a Jessica Rabbit vibrator at you yelling ‘I’m all yours, big boy?’ I’ll own up to the smile and the Chanel Number 5, but the dog ate the Jessica Rabbit in a case of mistaken identity caused  by an over zealous cleaning lady.

So, is female sexual liberation just another fantastical myth created by blokes who firmly (steady!) believe that women should  be cooks in the kitchen and whores in the bedroom (I should only get the opportunity – although in so far as my cooking ability goes, well, we’ll leave that right there!).

Apparently not, it seems. There’s a booming sex toy industry out there and more and more of it is becoming geared to female consumers.  I’ve got a mate down south (GEOGRAPHICALLY!) who owns a company which supplies sex toys by mail order and if you have a look at his website, it has a distinctly feminine or at the very least a coupley ambience about it.

Ann Summer has brought the sex toy industry onto the high street and again, I can’t say that I’ve ever seen many lone men in there buying pink fluffy handcuffs and banana flavour dick lick lubricant (the cherry flavour is well nicer, by the way).  There’s another company I was introduced to which sells Sex In A Box – supplying erotic boxes containing sex toys, clothing and chocolates to the Hotel industry which can then sell the boxes as an additional extra on the room rate for people who want to indulge in a romantic one or two night break with their significant other.  Again, the contents of these boxes seem to be specifically aimed at attracting females to buy them.

It seems we ladies are becoming much more active when it comes to sex and there’s very few of us that are laid back and thinking of England. Take anal sex – because according to a survey in The Journal of Sexual Medicine carried out in 2010  – some 40 per cent of women have actually had and regularly have anal sex and no, I haven’t got their names and numbers so don’t even go there.  It seems that more of us are letting our men use the backdoor than ever before.

So it’s no surprise then if we’re indulging in anal sex – once THE ultimate taboo in the bedroom – we women are pretty relaxed about the whole sex toy thing. 44% of women use a sex toy regularly whether in a relationship or not and the remaining 56% are pretty damn boring, to be honest.

I spent an interesting few days in Ann Summer recently – DOING RESEARCH and I’m pleased to say the my purchasers are tax deductible because of it! Whilst I was busy comparing the merits of various 9 and 10 inch long pieces of pink plastic and examining various speeds and varieties of ‘thrust’ I did have a chat with a few females and couples who were all busily filling up shopping baskets full of various items of enjoyment. There’s much more openness amongst women to discuss their sexual habits with a stranger – it was mostly the men who walked away with a red face clutching a vibrating butt plug and wishing he’d stayed at home to watch the football.

Of the women I talked to, 20% out of the hundred and twenty three ladies admitting to masturbating regularly and 66% of those used a sex toy in the process.  Of the one hundred and twenty three I spoke to 78% were in a relationship so that’s a lot of blokes getting substituted for a nine inch piece of plastic and a butt plug.

Back to E.L. James – remember her and her fifty shades? Do we all want to be dominated and whipped or stuck to the bed with a spare roll of duct tape because the other half was in Homebase at the weekend?  Apparently so – a recent report in Psychology Today reports that 57% of women questioned admitting to enjoying taking a submissive role  in sexual activity although unfortunately, Psychology Today didn’t tell me how many women they had questioned to arrive at this percentage.

Which leads nicely back to me, sitting with my packet of Rich Tea biscuits and a mug of tea bearing the consistency of the River Mersey mudflats and the colour of a scouse girl after a sunbed session. I’ve been reading Fifty Shades and I’m afraid I’ve not been able to get excited about the ‘graphic, erotic content’.  Whilst Mr Grey may have excited Anastasia to the point of enlightenment enabling her to uncross her tightly compacted legs in order to let Mr Grey have his domineering way with her, I wasn’t actually THAT turned on by the books (I read Fifty Shades Darker as well. Perhaps there’s something wrong with me) maybe it’s because I prefer the real thing. Or Rich Tea biscuits. Now, excuse me, I’m just going to get a dildo and another packet.

© Amy J Steinberg 2017




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